"Tout de suite at times I felt as if stained by some hoodoo's miasma and my heart bound to martyrdom and pangs for a perennial lifetime. Suddenly and aberrantly, I abhorred every waking human being walking on the face of the planet, as if the whole world was guilty of a felony it did not even had any idea it had inadvertently perpetrated. Suddenly, I felt as if fading to the very last moments of my secular existence, as if morphing into one of those dark lurid awe-inspiring luminaries, with a cryptic, morbid and unspeakable past, not because of any horrendous crime I committed, but because I was singular, puissant, different, as such, circled out, alienated and ostracized. Ignorance and bigotry of human kind had dogmatically driven my 'kind' to the precipice of devastation and despair, and as if threatening to dominate and obliterate us. Ultimately, at certain point, inevitably I had to face my own demons in the eye and strike back. This was the sort of consciousness forever existing in my mind, which, so ever constantly taunted me.
Like a mutant constantly having to battle his conflicting innerworld while struggling to manage his gift and simultaneously contending with the brutal atrocities from the world outside them, I too sometimes had to combat my own kind of demons and overcome my conflicting inner-self and paranoia, while at the same time fending off those undesirable persecutions of my antagonists, critics, cynics, mainly detractors. How i wished i could also be as gifted; possessing similar kinds of special abilities as mutants like having the power to invoke the fury of Mother Nature upon all these obnoxious opponents, banishing them to the farthest ends of the world with just a single puff or subjecting them to interminable depths of misery with just a single scowl, or effortlessly just will those nasty rabbles into a sorry state of rubble or nonexistence with just a slight turn of the palm or flick of a finger. Then, nobody would dare rub me the wrong way anymore ever again. Empowered with such self-satisfied thoughts, I suddenly found myself beam triumphantly from ear to ear, mocking at my adversaries while completely in awe with my own twisted genius, galvanizing upon the mere thrill of theevery moment watching my rivals floundering in gloom.
(oh, this is made with lotsa love, as u can see..)
Even though nobody actually labeled me as some kind of freak of nature, but inside me, I was as if already inflicted with almost the same kind of horrendous psychological torment and emotional mutilation the latter undergone before metamorphosing into the powerful entity that it eventually come to be. At one point, it probably seemed like I had gone out of my mind; that I had perhaps lost it ... but I was far from losing it, for it was only a fine line between insanity and virtuosity for the self-aggrandizement inside me was growing at such incredible pace. Despite the fact that all these would definitely make me stronger if they did not end up killing me, the upshot may be far from what I'd wish for.
 |
| my special gift |
As the case may be, the only power I would most probably acquire was power over my own will and mind, so as not to succumb to those negative criticisms, caustic remarks, harmful advices and disparaging words, though that alone was barely even enough to quench my insatiable appetite for supremacy. Suddenly, I did not mind even if I had to die of an acute death a thousand times over inorder to transmogrify into that fiery legend feared by all, and had it been a moment of impulse, I may even had trade my soul for it, for the moment it unleashed its numinous powers, the planet we resided upon would immediately cease to orbit and gravity would lose its gripe over all things on earth and everything would suspend aimlessly in vacuity and all life form on earth would come to an immediate stand still, and the whole world would be in an unruly state of perplexity, ambiguity, anarchy and twilight. In complete awe of such outlandish ideas of having the whole world right under my feet, suddenly, I felt I would not mind a single bit being called a "freak" -- Who possibly would?
I continued rummaging through such unorthodox thoughts as my state of mind slowly and gradually become erratic and compulsive. Beleaguered by all those ill-fitting and perplexed thoughts, acerbic and antagonistic sentience, suddenly, I felt an impending contraction, as my breathing intensified and all I could hear was my heart pounding louder and louder while my ears gradually closing up, blocking out every sound, until eventually, all I could hear was only my own heart beat and my own breathing which gradually intensified, as I witnessed the whole entire world passing by me in super slow motion. Gradually feeling fade and wobbly, I was precariously as if trying to make my way towards a fuzzy nebulous glint ahead of me through this copious overwhelming mob, but with extremely great exertion and difficulty, and as my chest gradually tightened while my gasps gradually becoming more and more irregular and rapid, I quickly entered into a state of horror.
Suddenly it felt as though all about me was about to culminate to an end, while imageries of my past, one by one, flashed pass right before me. Trying to make out between reality and the virtual world, from which I was traversing back and forth, and in and out of, everything slowly just turned into a vague impression as my vision ultimately becoming smudged, and before I even knew it, I was render into a subliminal state of infinite vacuity ..O' Lord, please save me, I'm losing it...." -- Jona, during one particularly fiery and wicked summer day, OUT.
"In retrospection, maybe I should just cease flirting with the danger of allowing such evil desecrated thoughts of following one's dreams and pursuing one's ideals to creep into my mind or subsist. What if such iniquity ultimately ravaged me or if I hopped the twig trying? That was a thought forever on my mind. Perhaps I simply just think too much and should just throw myself into it and do it. Or maybe, I should completely just abstain from such kind of malevolent and dissolute 'vice' that only aimed at besmirching one's judgment and blighting one's subconscious, like the opulence and sublunary of material comfort or even opiate, I thought, for such supercilious things, as dreams and ideals, though sublime, were only meant for the truly privileged and chosen. Suddenly overwhelmed with feelings of contrition and inadequacy, I felt as if so undeserving of what I desired, as if it was a crime to dream, as if dreaming was a debauched act of blasphemy, as if I was a sinner and ought to be crucified, although I always believed that every empire started out from one single little dream too. 
Perhaps, it was only when one did what one reviled and learned how to overcome such negative feelings of odium, by accepting it as their bad karma or ill-fate, and accepting the fatality of never ever realizing one's true potential, then only would one truly be deserving of success. Maybe only then would one really become successful. And maybe perhaps only then would one find true lasting happiness. 
Anyway, this was what the standard education system at school, work, home and life at large had taught us all along—which they all sometimes called it ‘discipline’ and ‘hard work’, which of course anyone would know, but they never seemed to stress enough of all other things else as dreams and aspirations. Their focus and stress point always only seemed to be on the secondary things, so much so, that the crucial things, the gist, the fundaments of us as living beings were completely left out, forgotten and never brought up again as the years go by, though that was just the process rather than any cause or effect. Why was it so impossible for them to see the big picture? as I thought, deplorably, while suddenly having mixed feelings of disappointment and frustration welling up inside me. Perhaps, maybe that was why all those people around me such as my dull and monotonous teachers in school, my blank and emotionless bosses and ex-bosses and colleagues at work and the rest of the seemingly dying but yet undead life at large never once spoken about dreams, about aspirations, not that I was even able to remember or recall. 
Going against tradition, convention or crossing onto unchartered boundaries may mean treading on deadly grounds and one might end up getting my foot blown to bits. But yet, it was in the thrill from the danger of such unknown that often seemed so fascinating and breath-taking. Perhaps, I should not try to institute something on my very own accord, without corroboration or approval from certain unexplainable universal calculation or cosmic configuration that was way beyond my worldly comprehension, anyway for as a form of cataclysmic consequences, I might suffer the infinity of chastisement and denunciation for being so arrogant, defiant and brash. As such, for my very own good, perhaps maybe the best was just doing nothing, and simply just wait for opportunity to come knocking on my doors, though as dopy and inane as it all may sound. 
"Tout de suite at times I felt as if stained by some hoodoo's miasma and my heart bound to martyrdom and pangs for a perennial lifetime. Suddenly and aberrantly, I abhorred every waking human being walking on the face of the planet, as if the whole world was guilty of a felony it did not even had any idea it had inadvertently perpetrated. Suddenly, I felt as if fading to the very last moments of my secular existence, as if morphing into one of those dark lurid awe-inspiring luminaries, with a cryptic, morbid and unspeakable past, not because of any horrendous crime I committed, but because I was singular, puissant, different, as such, circled out, alienated and ostracized. Ignorance and bigotry of human kind had dogmatically driven my 'kind' to the precipice of devastation and despair, and as if threatening to dominate and obliterate us. Ultimately, at certain point, inevitably I had to face my own demons in the eye and strike back. This was the sort of consciousness forever existing in my mind, which, so ever constantly taunted me.
Like a mutant constantly having to battle his conflicting innerworld while struggling to manage his gift and simultaneously contending with the brutal atrocities from the world outside them, I too sometimes had to combat my own kind of demons and overcome my conflicting inner-self and paranoia, while at the same time fending off those undesirable persecutions of my antagonists, critics, cynics, mainly detractors. How i wished i could also be as gifted; possessing similar kinds of special abilities as mutants like having the power to invoke the fury of Mother Nature upon all these obnoxious opponents, banishing them to the farthest ends of the world with just a single puff or subjecting them to interminable depths of misery with just a single scowl, or effortlessly just will those nasty rabbles into a sorry state of rubble or nonexistence with just a slight turn of the palm or flick of a finger. Then, nobody would dare rub me the wrong way anymore ever again. Empowered with such self-satisfied thoughts, I suddenly found myself beam triumphantly from ear to ear, mocking at my adversaries while completely in awe with my own twisted genius, galvanizing upon the mere thrill of theevery moment watching my rivals floundering in gloom.
(oh, this is made with lotsa love, as u can see..) 
I continued rummaging through such unorthodox thoughts as my state of mind slowly and gradually become erratic and compulsive. Beleaguered by all those ill-fitting and perplexed thoughts, acerbic and antagonistic sentience, suddenly, I felt an impending contraction, as my breathing intensified and all I could hear was my heart pounding louder and louder while my ears gradually closing up, blocking out every sound, until eventually, all I could hear was only my own heart beat and my own breathing which gradually intensified, as I witnessed the whole entire world passing by me in super slow motion. Gradually feeling fade and wobbly, I was precariously as if trying to make my way towards a fuzzy nebulous glint ahead of me through this copious overwhelming mob, but with extremely great exertion and difficulty, and as my chest gradually tightened while my gasps gradually becoming more and more irregular and rapid, I quickly entered into a state of horror.
