"Tout de suite at times I felt as if stained by some hoodoo's miasma and my heart bound to martyrdom and pangs for a perennial lifetime. Suddenly and aberrantly, I abhorred every waking human being walking on the face of the planet, as if the whole world was guilty of a felony it did not even had any idea it had inadvertently perpetrated. Suddenly, I felt as if fading to the very last moments of my secular existence, as if morphing into one of those dark lurid awe-inspiring luminaries, with a cryptic, morbid and unspeakable past, not because of any horrendous crime I committed, but because I was singular, puissant, different, as such, circled out, alienated and ostracized. Ignorance and bigotry of human kind had dogmatically driven my 'kind' to the precipice of devastation and despair, and as if threatening to dominate and obliterate us. Ultimately, at certain point, inevitably I had to face my own demons in the eye and strike back. This was the sort of consciousness forever existing in my mind, which, so ever constantly taunted me.
Like a mutant constantly having to battle his conflicting innerworld while struggling to manage his gift and simultaneously contending with the brutal atrocities from the world outside them, I too sometimes had to combat my own kind of demons and overcome my conflicting inner-self and paranoia, while at the same time fending off those undesirable persecutions of my antagonists, critics, cynics, mainly detractors. How i wished i could also be as gifted; possessing similar kinds of special abilities as mutants like having the power to invoke the fury of Mother Nature upon all these obnoxious opponents, banishing them to the farthest ends of the world with just a single puff or subjecting them to interminable depths of misery with just a single scowl, or effortlessly just will those nasty rabbles into a sorry state of rubble or nonexistence with just a slight turn of the palm or flick of a finger. Then, nobody would dare rub me the wrong way anymore ever again. Empowered with such self-satisfied thoughts, I suddenly found myself beam triumphantly from ear to ear, mocking at my adversaries while completely in awe with my own twisted genius, galvanizing upon the mere thrill of theevery moment watching my rivals floundering in gloom.
(oh, this is made with lotsa love, as u can see..) Even though nobody actually labeled me as some kind of freak of nature, but inside me, I was as if already inflicted with almost the same kind of horrendous psychological torment and emotional mutilation the latter undergone before metamorphosing into the powerful entity that it eventually come to be. At one point, it probably seemed like I had gone out of my mind; that I had perhaps lost it ... but I was far from losing it, for it was only a fine line between insanity and virtuosity for the self-aggrandizement inside me was growing at such incredible pace. Despite the fact that all these would definitely make me stronger if they did not end up killing me, the upshot may be far from what I'd wish for.
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| my special gift |
As the case may be, the only power I would most probably acquire was power over my own will and mind, so as not to succumb to those negative criticisms, caustic remarks, harmful advices and disparaging words, though that alone was barely even enough to quench my insatiable appetite for supremacy. Suddenly, I did not mind even if I had to die of an acute death a thousand times over inorder to transmogrify into that fiery legend feared by all, and had it been a moment of impulse, I may even had trade my soul for it, for the moment it unleashed its numinous powers, the planet we resided upon would immediately cease to orbit and gravity would lose its gripe over all things on earth and everything would suspend aimlessly in vacuity and all life form on earth would come to an immediate stand still, and the whole world would be in an unruly state of perplexity, ambiguity, anarchy and twilight. In complete awe of such outlandish ideas of having the whole world right under my feet, suddenly, I felt I would not mind a single bit being called a "freak" -- Who possibly would?
I continued rummaging through such unorthodox thoughts as my state of mind slowly and gradually become erratic and compulsive. Beleaguered by all those ill-fitting and perplexed thoughts, acerbic and antagonistic sentience, suddenly, I felt an impending contraction, as my breathing intensified and all I could hear was my heart pounding louder and louder while my ears gradually closing up, blocking out every sound, until eventually, all I could hear was only my own heart beat and my own breathing which gradually intensified, as I witnessed the whole entire world passing by me in super slow motion. Gradually feeling fade and wobbly, I was precariously as if trying to make my way towards a fuzzy nebulous glint ahead of me through this copious overwhelming mob, but with extremely great exertion and difficulty, and as my chest gradually tightened while my gasps gradually becoming more and more irregular and rapid, I quickly entered into a state of horror.Suddenly it felt as though all about me was about to culminate to an end, while imageries of my past, one by one, flashed pass right before me. Trying to make out between reality and the virtual world, from which I was traversing back and forth, and in and out of, everything slowly just turned into a vague impression as my vision ultimately becoming smudged, and before I even knew it, I was render into a subliminal state of infinite vacuity ..O' Lord, please save me, I'm losing it...." -- Jona, during one particularly fiery and wicked summer day, OUT.
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