Visions of my childhood days flashed by before me reminding me when I was a kid, whenever I felt unhappy, I would always wish I could just take off in just a single leap and fly far far away from all these trifling mortal qualms. Then, I was so happy and that kind of feeling was utterly liberating. Virtually insuperable, nobody would be able to catch me or stop me, for I would be too fast for anyone to judge, and I would not need to petition for anyone's validation or approval, literarily becoming a real free spirit. I always envisaged flying to some exotic heavenly paradise out of this world where beautiful Adonis archetypes would naturally be swooning all over me, I would get free limitless stay for as long as I pleased in the most enchanting and luxuriant suite. I imagined how wonderful it would be just basking in the splendors of the sun while taking simple joy in the tender caresses of zephyr while unwinding away from the constant harassments of all those dreaded, pestilential homosapiens, with an exotic nip of sorts in one hand and a tittle-tattle periodical of the vivacity of powerful and glamorous bigwigs in another. I imagined skimming over the chain of thoughts running through in my mind, while deriving earthly pleasures from my gasper and wallowing in my newly customized couturier suit, relishing every single moment of my debilitating and debauching narcissistic comportment. Superciliously, I would just dismiss those wretched humans for their imprudence and impertinence, and for being devoid of the slightest idea how imperative, all these trifling little gestures of mine were going to amount to the big picture ultimately.
|naughty Anna from the past|
That would go on endlessly for many hours. Then, at twilight, a glut of smorgasbord delectable as hors-d’oeuvre and other fine exquisite gastronomical delicacies, spreading out from one end of the isle to the other, would be anticipating my regal grace, alongside with the macabre bloodbath of those nasty pieces of work as just mere aperitifs. I imagined cocooning in pure luxuries while luxuriating in the amusement of watching the miserable fates of my pathetic enslaved rivals acquiescing to their own wretchedness in acrimony. In condescension, I would then scorn them with the most sadistic sinister sneer and then immediately turning my nose up in derision, I would then continue reveling and marveling on and on again upon my own hedonistic and self-righteous imaginings.
With such strong self-opinionated, brazen and vindictive cockamamie thoughts in mind, I was practically again beaming from ear to ear. Life would really only be
beautiful if it was this good, I thought in final deliberation. At some point, that surreal image I painted in my mind simply got me chortling over my own feet, like a silly goose. However, looking grim suddenly, I heaved a sigh of recognition for what was to come. Then, as if bracing myself for yet another of those mind-shattering brouhaha romps of my life again, which I had long already been accustomed to, I felt this sudden impending deja vu and dread of having to go through the hubbub again, but this time round, though nearly similar, it felt like altogether another sort of low.
Suddenly, I remembered when I was a kid I used to dream falling into an ocean of pure white cream. However, this was no cream, nor would there be any big white fluffy clouds to cushion my fall. Like before, this was the kind of fall so definitive; it would
|SDCC ad in NYDC|
certainly shatter one’s spirit and vitality, though I’d always inevitably manage to get back up on my feet again, every time, as if indestructible, as if eternal. Suddenly, I felt completely whitewashed and disoriented, as if the moment I came face to face with my demons I simply wavered and succumbed. Though I could have resisted my
antagonists and detractors who were practically out to decimate me, like rapacious predators, I was circumvented even before I was able to retaliate. All of a sudden, I felt as if all hell had broken lose and I could only stand there like a sitting duck waiting for fate to unleash its wrath upon me, which went on for as long as I could possibly remember, as if like time without end. There seemed to be no point in evasion for the reality always seemed to catch up with me wherever I ran to or no matter how I tried to hide or evade, so the only resolution was just face it.
Sometimes, I felt like there was some sort of unspoken standard operational procedure between realism and me, which seemed to like to strip me barren and then take the winds out of my sails or to put it in a nicer term, ‘humble me’, while at the same time mauling me out of shape, in fact, tormenting me till I was half-defunct. Incapable of immediately reconciling with all the things that were happening and ineffectual at intercepting the trail of events that quickly led to the demise of my jubilation, I simply refused, in utter trepidation and indignation, to accept the grave carnage of veracity as it unfolded right before my very eyes. Strewn with complete cynicism and trepidation for what the future had in stored for me, I felt as if abruptly hurled into the abyss of perpetual darkness and oblivion equivalent to that of the unending depths of a horrendous nightmare. It really felt as if it would be impossible ever for me to ever crawl back up again from such an endless bottomless pit of infinite censure, desolation and destitution. How possible was it that things could come to such a lachrymose and lugubrious state? Completely blown out of proportion?? As i asked myself in cross-examination and total utter disbelief. Suddenly, I wished I had remained as an adolescent forever so I never had to ever witness and go through all these; which were slowly but inevitably murdering me, gashing me up from inside. I reviled ever growing up. Perhaps is time to wake up!--by Anna, during one strange bizarre afternoon in Spring time.
Joseph's special SDCC cake